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Vol. 7 No. 2, March-April 2005 IN THIS ISSUE =================================================== =================================================== ACTION STEPS: =================================================== UTILIZE ADULT LANGUAGE According to Eric Berne, author of Games People Play, all of us have internalized three different "tape recordings" that represent our "ego states." These are the Child, the Parent, and the Adult. The Child ego state refers to the behavior pattern, thoughts, and feelings that we learned when we were children. These include helplessness, blaming, and emotional expressions such as "I can't help it," "Don't blame me," "It's his/her fault," "I don't care," "I don't want to." Nonverbal cues of the Child ego state include whining, laughing, teasing, expressing dejection, pouting, nail biting, moving restlessly, and looking rebellious, excited, or sad. The Parent is the ego state that we develop by observing authority figures. When we are in a Parent role, we tend to be very judgmental, critical, controlling, comforting, or nurturing. You know that you are using your Parent tape when you use such phrases as "You can't do that," "You have to," "You should have," "We've always done it this way," and "Here, let me fix it for you." Nonverbal cues of the Parent include finger pointing, looking at your watch while talking, finger tapping, pressing lips tight, grinding teeth, checking on others, scowling, sneering, patronizing, supporting, or expressing sympathy. The third internal tape that we can play is that of the Adult. An Adult is a fact finder, information seeker, analyzer, and logical problem solver. When you use your Adult tape, you ask: "why, what, when, where, who, and how." And you say such things as "I made a mistake," "I changed my mind," "I don't know," "I don't understand," "It is my opinion," "Let's check this out," and "What can we learn from this?" When you are in this ego state, you tend to be clear, calm, and void of judgments. Your nonverbal expressions include straight but relaxed posture, comfortable eye contact, and a friendly face that says "I'm interested, alert, thoughtful, and attentive." Generally speaking, communication effectiveness is dramatically enhanced when people express themselves in an Adult ego state, especially when both parties are playing the same tape. Since it is difficult to change other people--wait, read that again--I would strongly urge you to get in the driver's seat of your transactions by using Adult language to express yourself. ACCEPT 111 PERCENT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR COMMUNICATION Most of us are experts at blaming other people. Have you noticed that when something goes wrong it is almost always the fault of the government, the boss, the economy, the traffic, or anything else, but seldom the person who is making the excuses! To make this point, I love to ask someone who arrives late for something--a student for class, or a team member for work--this question: "Would you have been on time if $100,000 were riding on it?" The answer is almost always "Of course!" Which demonstrates that most of us avoid taking responsibility for our actions! This has disastrous effects when we communicate because in order to have communication you must have at least one sender and one receiver. If either one is missing, there is no communication. Unfortunately, since you are unable to control another human being--you've heard that before--you are left with only one person to blame if there is a communication breakdown: you! To achieve dramatic communication improvement, I strongly recommend that you buy 111 percent into the following axiom: If it is to be, it is up to me. Here are several specific examples to help you translate this axiom into reality: Instead of: Don't you understand? Instead of: You're not listening to me! LISTEN ACTIVELY Even though it's been said by the prolific author Anonymous that "it is better to remain quiet and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt," most of us are very good at removing all doubt. In other words, human beings are extremely poor listeners--yes that includes YOU. One reason is that most of us are very good at "talking and telling," instead of "listening and learning." Just as in sales "telling is not selling," in management "telling is not coaching," nor is it practicing what I call "Winning Management." The reason why this is a critical skill is because it's been estimated that managers spend approximately 75 percent of their time at work communicating, and about half of that time listening. That means that unless you have mastered this skill you will be ineffective about 37.5 percent of the time at work. To become an active listener, remind yourself that there must be a reason that we were born with one mouth and two ears and adhere to the following guidelines: --Just stop talking. Because when the mouth is engaged the ears are out of gear. --Show the person speaking that you are listening actively, which you can do by removing all distractions. For example, hold your calls, make eye contact, lean slightly into the person, and acknowledge the message and the messenger. --Demonstrate empathy by getting inside the other person's thoughts and feelings. This can be expressed by saying "I see," "I understand," "I follow you," "I'm with you," and so on. --Take off your mask and be yourself. --Before ending the communication, summarize and reality test. In the next issue of this eNewsletter you are going to learn five more strategies to help you communicate more effectively: Reality Test; Express Yourself in Positive Terms; Strive for Win-Win Outcomes; Convey Integrity at All Times and Make Them Glad They Communicated with You. SOURCE: Based in part on Chapter 5 of my book, "Winning Management:
6 Fail-Save Strategies for Building High-Performance Organizations,"
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