Make It a Winning Life eNewsletter May-June 2010

MAKE IT A WINNING LIFE:
Strategies to Help YOU Succeed Faster

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Vol. 12 No. 3, May-June 2010
Copyright 2010 by Wolf J. Rinke
mailto:WolfRinke@aol.com
http://www.WolfRinke.com

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IN THIS ISSUE
1. NEWS YOU CAN USE
2. HOW TO LISTEN ACTIVELY
3. HEAR WOLF "HOWL"--I MEAN SPEAK
4. HUMOR BREAK
5. ABOUT THE EDITOR
6. PRIVACY STATEMENT AND SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION

INSIGHT BREAK

Man's inability to communicate is a result of his failure to listen effectively, skillfully, and with understanding to another person.
-Carl Rogers

1. NEWS YOU CAN USE

Want to be more productive?-Take a nap!
Study after study has demonstrated that a brief nap, even micronaps of about six minutes with REM sleep, aids learning, memory, and mental acuity; plus improves productivity.
ACTION STEP
If you need to solve a complex problem, study it, then take a brief nap with pen and paper at your side.
Source: R. Stickgold, "The Simplest Way to Reboot Your Brain." Harvard Bus Rev 87 (10): 36, 2009.

2. HOW TO LISTEN ACTIVELY

Studies have shown that we communicate about 70-80 percent of our waking hours. Of that time, about 22 percent is spent in reading and writing, 23 percent is spent speaking, and fully 55 percent is spent listening. That is the good news. The bad news, according to my colleague "Manny" Steil, CEO and Chairman of the International Listening Leadership Institute, most of us listen at a miserly-are you ready for this-25 percent efficiency. That means that when you talk to your boss, colleagues, patients or spouse for 10 minutes, they only really hear 2½ minutes of the conversation.
Clearly, improving our listening effectiveness is a skill we can all benefit from. By becoming a better listener, you will improve your productivity, as well as your ability to influence, persuade and negotiate. What's more, you'll build trust, and avoid conflicts and misunderstandings-all necessary for success in all aspects of your life.

Here are eight specific things you can do to master the art of listening actively:

1. Start with a Positive Listening Attitude
Active listening begins with assuming a positive listening attitude that essentially says: If we communicate effectively then both of us will benefit. To achieve that:

Listen with your ears as well as your eyes and your mind.
Commit to be fully present.
Express genuine interest in what is being said.
Demonstrate a commitment to mutually beneficial communication.
Send out positive signals-smile with your eyes.
Let the other person know that you trust her.
Look for the achievement of mutually beneficial goals or objectives.
Tell the other party that you are committed to listening actively and invite her to let you know when you are not doing that.

2. Pay Close Attention
Make your own mind quiet and shut everything out around you and fully focus on everything that is being said and not being said. That is, interpret the words that are being used in conjunction with the sender's behavior and body language. If you're finding it difficult to concentrate on what the sender is saying, repeat his words mentally as he says it-this will reinforce his message and prevent your mind from drifting. To help you with this:

Look at the sender and lean into her.
Keep out all possible distractions and "noise."
Avoid thinking of what you are going to say next.
Don't occupy your thoughts with similar situations.
"Listen" to the sender's body language.
Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.
Tune into what is not being said.

3. Demonstrate That You Are Listening
Acknowledgement can be something as simple as a nod of the head or a simple "uh huh." Nodding your head, leaning forward, speaking in the same vocal range and speed of the sender, i.e. mirroring, will not only demonstrate that you are listening but will win the other person's trust. Remember, just because you affirm the sender does not mean that you are agreeing, you are simply indicating that you are listening. To demonstrate you are listening:

Make the other party comfortable.
Nod occasionally.
Lean forward.
Smile and use other positive facial expressions.
Make intermittent eye contact.
Make sure your body posture is open and inviting.
Mirror the other person's vocal range and speed.
Continue to be receptive even if it is something that you don't want to hear.
Encourage the sender with small positive verbal comments like yes and uh huh.
If appropriate take notes.

4. Listen for the "Big Picture"
Listen for ideas first and then fill in with facts later. The listener who is focusing primarily on facts is like a carpenter ordering parts for a house without looking at the blueprints. To figure out what is most important, i.e. the "big picture" ask yourself:

What is she saying?
What does that mean?
Why does she say it that way?
How does it fit in with what she said before?
Does this appear to be congruent with her belief and value system?

5. Avoid Jumping to Conclusions
While listening to the big picture, be careful not to jump to conclusions. Our personal filters, assumptions, stereotypes, preconceptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand the world through the sender's eyes and ears. This may require you to remind yourself to shut down your preconceptions and withhold judgment and to:

Focus on the ideas being communicated not who or how it is being said.
Avoid trying to read the other person's mind.
Become aware of your stereotypes and shut them down.
Don't zero in on "emotional" words.
Avoid labeling people-she is just a student, receptionist, patient, etc.
Don't fill in the blanks.
Ask for clarification.
Reality test, state what you think you heard in your own words.
Ask questions and provide feedback.

6. Avoid Interrupting
Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the sender and interferes with the receiver fully understanding the message. Make it a habit to:

Allow the sender to finish his thoughts.
Not interrupt with counterarguments.
Avoid erasure comments such as "Ya but…"
Go beyond the words-listen to what the sender means by the words.

7. Ask Questions and Provide Feedback
Once the sender has completed his message, reflect on what you think was said and ask questions and provide feedback (reality test) to make sure that you are on the same page:

Reflect back what you think you've heard by paraphrasing.
"What I'm hearing is…" and "Sounds like you are saying…" are great ways to reflect back.
Ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say…" or "Is this what you mean?" or "How do you mean?"
Summarize the speaker's comments periodically.

8. Take Your Own Emotions into Account
Active listening is a demonstration of respect and understanding. As the listener it's your job to gain information and the sender's perspective. You bring the communication process to a screeching halt if you attack the sender or otherwise put her down. If you find yourself responding emotionally, say so, and ask for more information by using "I" language: "I may not understand you correctly, and I find myself taking what you said personally. What I thought I heard you say is …. is that what you mean?" In an emotionally charged interchange it's important for you to listen for feelings and acknowledging them by saying for example: "You seem to feel angry when I talk about …" or "You seem to feel frustrated, is that because…?"). Remember to never assume anything--it will get both parties in trouble. Instead live by: If in doubt, check it out. To take your emotions into account:

Respect geographic, linguistic and ethnic differences.
Tune into your own biases, stereotypes, and opinions so that you can silence them.
Avoid defensiveness.
Leave your ego at the door.
Be candid, open, and honest in your response.
Assert your opinions respectfully by using "I" statements.
Treat the other person with respect.

Source: Excerpted from W. J. Rinke, The Power of Communication: How to Increase Your Personal and Professional Effectiveness, Ch. 5. (CPE Home Study Course, approved for 20 CPEUs), Wolf Rinke Associates, Clarksville, MD, 2006, http://www.wolfrinke.com/CEFILES/cepd.html#C197.

3. HEAR WOLF HOWL--I MEAN SPEAK

This full day seminar maybe open to you if your company is a member of the Institute of Management Studies (IMS). Contact the chairperson for specifics.

Sep. 14, 2010. Philadelphia, PA. "Increasing Your Personal Leadership Effectiveness." Contact: Joe Paesani, joe_paesani@verizon.net

I have other "in-house" presentations scheduled throughout North America. Please let me know if you are interested to preview me or bring me into your organization at reduced expenses when I'm scheduled to be in your area. That way we can let you know when I'm coming your way!

4. HUMOR BREAK

Traveling on the interstate and needing to use the bathroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the stall next to me saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to have a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just GREAT."
And the person next to me said: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that, especially in a restroom? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I answer: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get done as fast as I can, when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Okay, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured, I should just be polite and end the conversation, and so I reply: "No. I'm a little busy right now!"
Then I hear the person next to me say nervously: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

5. ABOUT THE EDITOR

Dr. Wolf J. Rinke, CSP is a highly effective management consultant and executive coach who specializes in building peak performance organizations, teams and individuals. He is the author of 12 CPE manuals, available at www.easyCPEcredits.com and 5 books including "Make It a Winning Life: Success Strategies for Life, Love and Business" available at www.WolfRinke.com. He is also an internationally recognized motivational and management keynote speaker and seminar leader who delivers customized presentations that combine story telling, humor and motivation with specific "how to" action strategies that participants can apply immediately to improve their personal and professional lives. You can preview a live demo at www.WolfRinke.com. To take advantage of Dr. Rinke's services contact us at 800-828-9653 or WolfRinke@aol.com

6. PRIVACY STATEMENT AND SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION

We will not make your name or e-mail address available to anyone. Period!

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MAKE IT A WINNING LIFE: Strategies to Help YOU Succeed Faster

MAKE IT A WINNING LIFE:
Strategies to Help YOU Succeed Faster